there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
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Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
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I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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