there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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