I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Randomize
