apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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