you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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