is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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