Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
