the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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