Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
