I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
