Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
