Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
