Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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