I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
