Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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