Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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