I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
