ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
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Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
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I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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