Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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