last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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