New invention idea: vibrating tampons
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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