Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
