The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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