my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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