The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
