So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
