In the future we'll all be gay
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
