3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
