u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
