Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
