i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
