Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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