my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
