Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
