I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
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Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
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There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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