I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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