why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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