No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
