Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
