The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
