WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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