How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
