"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
