I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
