Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
