My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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