Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
