can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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