I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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