I am spending my child support on dildos
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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