I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
