shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
