i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
