We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
try to milk me bitch
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