He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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