My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
