The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
