We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My legs feel like baby dolphins
After tacos, we're chasing women.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
